


Constellations In Your Soul (Work In Progress)

by Magus_the_Procrastinator



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Blood, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, M/M, Past Abuse, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:21:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23083135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magus_the_Procrastinator/pseuds/Magus_the_Procrastinator
Summary: It's the Marauders 4th year at Hogwarts, and while there isn't a dark lord attacking the school and there aren't any giant snakes creeping through the walls, there isn't peace either. Remus has to face his internalized hatred and Sirius has to learn to accept that he can't control everything.Okay, so I'm not super good at summaries, and I'm especially bad at making them sound cool. This fanfic is a mix of Remus/Sirius cuteness and fluff and Angst. I've loved the Harry Potter universe since it was read to me as a child, and have been in love with it ever since. Sirius and Remus were some of my favorite characters as a kid and still are. I hope that those who choose to read this enjoy it. It's my first fic on AO3, so I hope it goes well.I will do my best to post once a month. School is a little busy with my classes, so I'll try to post more often but I make no guarantees..Thank you :) .
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to put warning as to possible triggers at the beginning of the chapters. This chapter has some vague mentions of abuse, and nausea. I think that's it, but if you see anything else, please let me know.

Remus strolled through the wall that led to Platform Nine and Three Quarters after he’d replayed it over and over in his mind, both of his canvas suitcases in tow behind him. As he paced towards the train awaiting him and other students he tried to keep his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him, hoping that he wouldn’t run into anyone on his way to the doors. The stairs to the train were shorter than he remembered them being, but that could be drawn up to his growth spurt this summer. The small smile that snuck onto his face once the cool air from the inside of the train hit him was unintentional, but when you smell home, there’s not much you can do but smile. The train had a tendency to carry many smells at once and it would often overwhelm Remus’ senses to the point that he would have to cover his nose until he got to whatever booth his friends were in, but this year he’d come early for the specific reason of being able to pick an ideal booth where everyone would comfortably fit rather than one barely big enough to fit the four of them, as had happened in all previous years of riding the train.

He shifted so his things were single file with him and slipped into an empty booth in the back corner that was slightly larger than the other aisle booths. Once his luggage was in the overhead, he sat close to the glass doors of the booth, in clear sight of the aisle so he could catch James or Sirius before they went into a different compartment and made him move. Peter was always late, last year he’d almost missed the train entirely. Remus smiled slightly at the memory of his friend falling over in the middle of the walkway as the train started to move, barely pulling his bag through closing doors.  


_ I wonder whether James or Sirius will arrive first this year.  _ If James managed to beat Sirius to the train, Sirius would be stuck with the middle seat, which was unfortunate as he enjoyed watching the scenery pass by. Remus could easily recall most of Sirius’ facial expressions, and he always seemed peaceful when watching the scenery pass by, even if it was moving too fast to distinctly make out. However, if Sirius got here first, James would spend the whole time getting up to go get snacks or to flirt with Lily Evans.  _ Poor Lily, she has to put up with James being even more obnoxious than he is around me.  _ He smiled slightly, becoming lost in thought about his friends, and about how the upcoming year would turn out. Surely they could have one year where no one almost died in a Quidditch match or deciding to explore the Forbidden Forest. Then again, he was friends with James Potter and Sirius Black. If anything did happen, he was sure he would be in the middle of it with them.  _ Maybe I can try to reason them out of doing something lethally idiotic- _

His thoughts were interrupted by Sirius knocking on the glass of the compartment door before sliding in, flashing Remus one of those confident smiles he threw around. Remus stood, hugging him with a light clap on the back.

“Hey Remus! Did you do anything fun this summer?” Sirius pulled out of the hug after a moment, though he seemed a little stiff, and heaved his things into the overhead before sitting down. Remus sat back down by the glass door, offering a shrug with his response.    


“If by fun you mean idiotic and likely resulting in injury, no.” Sirius made a small offended noise, as if he didn’t know exactly what Remus was jabbing at. “However, I did acquire something you might want to use.” 

Sirius noted the glint in Remus’ eye and grinned. Most people probably would have thought he was the innocent caretaker of the group, but the fact was, he was most often the main perpetrator in planning each prank and assault. Sirius made a hand motion that could be easily interpreted as, _Hand it over._ Remus handed Sirius a bottle of muggle hair dye. They both gave somewhat villainous smiles before quickly returning back to normal behavior as Remus barely caught sight of James before he burst into the compartment. Sirius shoved the bottle into his robes inner pocket.  


“Helloooooo Beauties! How are you guys! I hope you’re ready because I’ve been planning pranks and ‘creative activities’ _all_ summer.” Sirius stood to give James a bone-crushing hug, back and shoulders stiffening when James squeezed back, before sitting back down. Remus frowned slightly at that, though started smiling again once in Sirius’ line of sight. James tossed his things carelessly into the overhead on Sirius’ side, all but falling into his seat as he launched into his plans for this year. _Is he uncomfortable, maybe his muscles are stiff if he did something strenuous recently._ Remus grimaced slightly at the not-so-faint scent of fabric softener, covering his nose while his thoughts were interrupted with a wave of nausea. James went on about letting loose a number of nifflers in the Great Hall, setting off fireworks over Gryffindor Tower, hiding tiny rubber ducks (a muggle toy) all over the prefects bathroom, and a number of other pranks that would likely require much revision by Remus to be feasible. It took him a couple minutes to realise Remus was looking nauseous.  


“Remus, you look pale. What’s up?” James frowned slightly, worried about his friend. Remus couldn’t do much about it and simply summarized,  


“Just the smell, James. Did your family begin using a new fabric softener in the wash?” He crossed his legs so his stomach didn’t feel so uneasy. “Sirius, would you open the window, please.” his voice came out a mutter through the sleeve of his robes. Sirius immediately pulled open the window, looking mildly concerned. Remus felt a surge of appreciation as fresh air flooded the compartment.  


“Actually, yeah. I think my mum switched which one she uses. Is it bothering you?” James took off his Robe. “She washed my robe this morning, sorry. I didn’t think about the smell.” James stuffed the robe into this bag, hoping that would limit the scent for Remus. 

Remus shrugged. “It’s not your fault James, you don’t have to apologize. Thank you for putting it away.” He kept his sleeve up to cover his mouth and nose for a while before he felt his nose was safe enough to lower it. James continued on about where he thought they could get the nifflers, and about where to acquire the fireworks for Gryffindor Tower, though Remus didn’t miss the occasional glance to check on him. Peter didn’t get to their compartment until the train was starting to pull out of station, huffing for air while looking somewhat exhausted. 

“H-hi guys, I’m sorry I’m late… Again. I really didn’t- didn’t mean to, there was bad traffic and then I saw this cat at Kingscross Station and it was so cute, I couldn’t-” Sirius gave him a huge hug, similar to the ones he’d given Remus and James. 

“No problem, Pete! At least you’re on the train. I almost thought you weren’t going to make it.” Sirius spoke as he sat down while Peter climbed on the seat to push his bags into the overhead on Remus’ side. Remus smiled slightly at Peter, still a little sick to his stomach, but feeling much better than earlier.

“Nice to see you after summer break, Peter. I suspect your garden is doing well?” Remus smiled slightly at the light that overtook Peters expression.  


“Oh, yes! My Lavender and Chamomile are maturing  _ beautifully _ . I even brought some homemade tea-bags, I designed the mixture myself. I think you’ll like it. There’s mint in it too, and some other things, the odor shouldn’t be too strong, so you’ll be able to drink it even around full-moon.” Peter rushed the words out quickly, digging around in his pockets before pulling out a small cloth bag with the mixture inside. Remus smiled wider, letting Peter place it in his palm before his hands returned to his pockets and pulled out a small strip of woven embroidery thread, running his fingers over it and twisting it into different shapes.

“Thank you, Peter. I really appreciate it.” Remus put the cloth bag in his robes inner pocket.  


The ride to Hogwarts seemed shorter than the actual 9 hour ride, but that was likely because they spent the whole time either talking or sleeping. Remus spent only the last 20 minutes dozing in his corner, abruptly woken by the train’s whistle, alerting everyone of their soon arrival. James was continually talking, frequently interrupted by Sirius interjecting another thought that was usually more stupid or more dangerous. They hustled out of the compartment and off of the train. Remus and Peter were mostly quiet while navigating through hundreds of students and dozens of teachers helping to guide the tide of children and adolescents.  


Remus kept a careful eye on Sirius and James so he didn’t lose them, while Peter was barely avoiding running into Remus with all the people trying to shove past and into them. _I hate crowds. So many people._ Remus grimaced at the clashing sounds and sights of the hoard around them. Relatively soon everyone halted, waiting for transportation up to the school grounds.

The school kept transportation orderly and organized, sending each group of 4 to 5 students up to the school grounds 5 or 6 groups at a time. It wasn’t much of a wait to be able to sit down in the Great Hall. Everyone was very loud, voices garbling and rumbling over each other before they got to Remus’ ears. He glanced over at James, then felt his eyes roll while James was unabashedly staring at a red-headed Lily Evans only six or seven seats down. Sirius frowned when he saw Remus’ reaction before seeing the cause and grinning evilly.  


Sirius threw a roll at James’ head to snap him out of it. “Careful, James. Or you face might get stuck in a stupid look. Oh, sorry, I forgot it was already stuck like that.”  


James scoffed at that, throwing the roll back at Sirius. “Whatever, Drama Queen.” Remus smiled a bit, sighing. _This is going to be a very long year, isn’t it?_ He glanced at Sirius, then felt his face flush a little. _God damn it he’s beautiful though._  


Sirius shifted how he was sitting throughout the meal, leaning forward, or slouching a bit, or propping a leg up on his knee. It wasn’t uncomfortable shifts, but they made him look more ordinary than the rest of his family. His sibling, cousins, his whole family sat with stiff backs and airy postures. _No doubt that’s his intent though._ Remus noted how much more down to earth and grounded Sirius had always been. Stomach laughs and crooked smiles and mischief. None of his family’s superiority bullshit. Remus risked a glance at Sirius, trying to pinpoint why his movements were off. He seemed fine moving around, but every so often he’d start moving one way and abruptly stop, like something was blocking him. _What on earth?_  


Remus kept a careful eye on Sirius the rest of dinner, even while the first years were being sorted into their houses. Sirius wasn’t entirely oblivious to Remus’ attention and looks of concern, but he didn’t seem to mind or care. Near the end of dinner, Remus mouthed, ‘Are you okay?’ Sirius only gave a stupid smile and nodded, like ‘Duh, why wouldn’t I be.’ Remus frowned as Sirius turned away from their brief interaction to talk to James and Peter. _He’s definitely not okay…_  


As dinner came to a close, everyone started trickling out of the Great Hall, tired and full of food. Peter was the first to turn in.

“I’ll see you guys in the dorm room, I’m kind of tired though, so I might be asleep. See you guys tomorrow.” He gave a wave before quickly walking off to the dorm rooms. Peter tended to walk quickly, avoiding attention where he could.

“He had a good idea there.” James shrugged, standing only a few minutes after Peter left. “I’ve got to get my beauty sleep if I want to make Evans fall for me, and most of the people should already be in bed. I’ll see you boys later in the dormitories.” He gave a quick smile and walked off slowly, winking at Lily on his way out. She only rolled her eyes at him and continued on with her current conversation.  


Remus was quiet for a few minutes before looking Sirius in the eyes, a controlled expression on his face. “Sirius, what’s wrong.” Sirius’ face was blank for a moment before smiling widely, though his eyes looked caught. 

“What do you mean? You shouldn’t be all cryptic Remus, people will start to fall for you.” he pointed at Remus. “You do know girls go for the mysterious quiet type, don’t you?” 

“Stop deflecting. I know something is wrong. You don’t have a full range of movement and you keep flinching when you try to move past a certain point. I can’t figure out if you got injured or if you’re just feeling weird today. I mean it’s not like-” Remus paused, eyes widening.  _ -like somebody beat you. _ He was about to say.  _ Poor choice of words Remus. You  _ know  _ how his family treats him.  _ “Oh. This morning?” Remus frowned, studying Sirius’ face. Sirius frowned, nodding in small motions. “You haven’t had somebody look at it yet, have you.” Sirius shook his head, lips pulled tight.  _ Oh I am going to murder them. Just as soon as I get the chance their heads are going t-  _

“Remus, you’re getting angry again.” Sirius spoke quietly, calmly, gently taking Remus’ attention. 

“I thought you said they were going to control themselves over the summer. They said they’d minimize damage.” Remus couldn’t help the slight growl that crept into his voice.  _ He’s my friend. It should be me instead. He doesn’t deserve this, I do. Why does he have the shitty family?  _ Remus knew his thought process was illogical. Neither of them had control over their families or who was in them, but he still felt that Sirius deserved none of the lot given to him. 

“They did. This was the first time in two weeks, Remus. Calm down a bit. I was going to ask you to help me out a bit once the others were in bed.” Sirius gave a small comforting smile.  _ Sirius is in pain and  _ he’s  _ comforting  _ me _? _

“Yeah...okay. Abandoned bathroom?” Remus looked to Sirius for his response, wanting to help. Sirius gave a quick nod and they both stood up, walking out of the Great Hall.  _ At least he’ll be safe here at school. I’m glad we get to go to Hogwarts.  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus helps Sirius heal. Sirius wakes up with a predisposition that the day will be bad, and tries to combat that feeling. Peter gives Remus some chocolate, and we finish off the chapter with some nice book reading and rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. I'm sorry this chapter took me two weeks to write and edit. I believe there's only two warnings for this chapter. There's some dissociate, and some self deprecation. Other than that I think we're good. Please let me know if you find anything else that I should put in the warnings. Be safe!

Sirius sat on a toilet lid in the abandoned bathroom, holding up his arm up in an uncomfortable position while holding his shirt in his lap. Remus had spent a solid 10 minutes inspecting him to see what injuries there were before he’d even started to put Sirius back together. Remus held a grimace on his face and briefly brought his sleeved hand to his nose, like trying to wipe away an itch. 

“Jeez, blood has a strong smell…” his grimace faded as he rolled up his sleeves, kneeling back to get a better look at what he was doing. 

“So, remind me why we never use magic to do this?” Sirius leaned back a bit before Remus gently reminded him he needed to sit up straight for this. Haha, straight.

“Because healing spells are complicated, and while I may be smart I’m not about to rearrange your ribcage for something I could easily do with my hands.” Remus frowned as he spoke, mumbling things under his breath as he took note of them. His face scrunched up a little bit when he was concentrating, and his eyes remained focused on his target. His intense glare was one you didn’t usually want to be on the receiving end of, and it was pointed right at Sirius’ chest. Right now, he appeared to be trying to glare Sirius’ injuries out of existence. “What happened to make her this mad? I thought she doesn’t usually beat you like this unless she thought you did something?” Remus’ voice cracked when he said ‘beat’ like it caused him pain just to think about it. 

_ Aww, you really think he cares about you Sirius. He just feels obligated to help you, you’re a burden in his life and thorn in his side _ . 

_ I know… _

“Uh- It wasn’t really anything bad,” Sirius shifted to prop his arm up on the water tank of the toilet, “She got upset at Regulus because he burnt the bacon, but I distracted him. At least, that’s what I told her, so she got mad at me. It’s not really that-!” Sirius growled quietly when Remus pressed on his side, pain flaring up his side and in his lungs.  _ Shit that hurt…  _

“Sorry,” Remus muttered as he stood, walking over to an empty stall at the end of the row and coming back with a briefcase full of muggle first aid supplies. They’d hid it in here last year when Sirius had first explained what his family was like. Remus was very astute and had noticed Sirius consistently sleeping on his stomach and changing in the bathroom rather than the dorm, like the other boys (among other things like pained expressions and groaning in his sleep, which Sirius had no memory of doing.) Remus pulled out bruise cream and started spreading it across Sirius’ back and chest. 

Sirius felt his face flush, looking up at the ceiling. “Take me on a date first, Remus.” A small, possibly awkward laugh left him, immediately replaced with a grimace as his ribs shifted slightly.  _ Great… now he thinks I’m weird. I mean, he probably already did. I’m so fucking awkward why am I like this?  _

_ It’s because you’re worthless. Awkward? Closer to repulsive. He’s seen you beaten and bruised and broken so many times. Do you honestly think he still sees you the same way as before? _ Sirius’ grimace faded as he stared at the ceiling. 

_ He cares, I know he cares. If he didn’t, he would’ve run away a long time ago.  _

_ PLEASE. You, James, and Peter are the only people who would accept him for being a werewolf. He’s got it SO much worse than you, and yet you make him take care of you. Bend to your whim.  _

_ Just shut up…  _

“Sirius, are you alright? “ Remus looked up at him from his crouching position at his side. Sirius looked down at him, leaning forward slightly. 

“Yeah?” Remus held his eyes for a moment, studying Sirius for a moment, then offered him back his shirt. 

“I finished. Your shirt might stick a little bit, but once your skin absorbs it you should be good. We’ll want to change the bandages on the cuts in a couple days.” Remus smiled slightly, offering Sirius a hand. Sirius took it, pulling himself up. 

“Wait, there were cuts?” Sirius frowned slightly. “I didn’t think… I didn’t think I felt any cuts… “ Remus gently touched Sirius’ back, right between his shoulder blades. 

“Yeah, there were some right here, and a couple on your upper shoulder. Make sure not to move your arms too much. At least as best as you can.”

“Yes, Nurse.” Sirius sent a smirk at Remus before trying to pull his shirt on, face immediately contorting into a pained expression when his arms went over his head. Remus laughed quietly. 

“Aww, do you need help getting your shirt on?” Sirius glared at him, pulling his shirt down, huffing quietly. “I’ve been reading a First Aid book published by a muggle health organization. It’s incredibly informative. I really enjoyed reading it too.” Remus let himself smile while closing, clipping, and rehiding the bag of First Aid supplies. 

“You’re such a nerd, Remus. I mean, why would you read when you can climb trees or flirt.” Sirius waited until Remus was next to him to start walking back to the dorms with him. 

“Because I find books much more enjoyable than people. They’re quiet, usually, and don’t require me to move very much. Pair that with the inevitable social interaction required when surrounded by other people, I tend to avoid people when I can.” Remus glanced over at Sirius as he spoke. Sirius had to tilt his head up slightly to look at Remus’ face, noticing how his hair reflected the torchlight.  _ Well, hot damn… I’m too gay for this shit.  _

Sirius laughed at himself quietly, and they walked the rest of the way to the dorm in comfortable silence. Once Sirius climbed into bed, he carefully laid on his back and stared at the ceiling, thoughts racing through his mind as everything from  _ How can I frustrate Professor McGonigal tomorrow _ to  _ Should I leave James and Remus and Peter so they can finally have some peace? _

His thoughts continued to wander as he fell asleep, pulling the blankets up another inch or two before drifting off. 

  
While Sirius lay sleeping, Remus lay awake in his bed, trying to distract himself from the repetitive image of Sirius’ bruised and welted chest. Under different circumstances, Remus would’ve been incredibly embarrassed and flustered touching Sirius like that, but the bruises, cuts, welts, and scars had him in a significantly darker mood.  _ Why would they hurt Sirius like that… actually, nevermind, they’re bastards with no souls. The better question is: Why does Sirius put himself in harm's way like that. He knows he’ll get it worse than Regulus, but yet he still chooses to take the blame for things, even small things. This is the worst I’ve seen him injured since second year…  _

Remus frowned at the memory of Sirius laying in his bed, asleep and severely injured. That day he’d traveled via firepit to Remus’ house after having almost been beaten to death by his own mother. 

He could remember clearly the moment when he ran downstairs to see what had caused such a loud thump in his living room and panicked at the sight of Sirius covered in blood and bruises. It had taken quite a bit of both muggle remedies and magic to heal Sirius. They were lucky Remus’ mother knew First Aid and his father had become acquainted with healing spells through his work. He’d sat by Sirius for days, making sure he was okay, keeping him safe, getting him water and food and anything else he needed. Remus had been glaring at the wall with such fervor he’d given himself a headache. He groaned quietly, turning to his other side. He could hear Sirius breathing and chose to focus on that. The steadiness of his breath was calming, though Remus heard him occasionally heard Sirius’ breath hitch in his chest when he inhaled too deeply, heaven forbid he have a good night’s rest.  _ I will have to invest more time in First Aid. It’s quite useful…  _

Remus closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep, after a long time of his mind disobeying him, he started to ease into foggy rest. 

__

A few weeks had passed since the first day of the term without much transpiring in the way of excitement. James was still preparing for his first big stunt of the year, and Sirius had been busy helping him. They hadn’t gone to bed until late the previous night due to planning what had to be their biggest, awesomest project yet, a map that would be able to track the students and teacher. One only they would be able to use. 

Because of the late-night, and subsequent awful sleep, Sirius woke up at the unholy hour of 05:00 AM. He didn’t normally rise this early, but after waking up in a cold sweat from a nightmare he wasn’t too eager to go back to sleep either. Slowly, he sat up and blinked slowly. His mind and body felt like they were dry and stiff, not wanting to move exactly when he needed them to, and he felt phantom pains from the dream stacked on his physical injuries. While fighting his lethargy, he got out of bed while grimacing as his rib cage shifted, then rummaged through his suitcase, yet to be unpacked, and then padded towards the bathrooms. His hair was likely a mess, but that would be fixed with a shower. And if it was still knotted, well, Remus was the only person he really let mess with his hair. James pulled too hard and hurt him, and Peter was so clumsy that the one time Sirius had let him touch his hair, it’d ended up so mangled it took Remus 3 hours to untangle. Sirius opened the doors to the bathroom, beginning to wash himself off. The water slowly woke him up enough to function, though there was still this lingering fog similar to silt covering his mind. A thought hit him in the middle of washing his hair, Today is gonna be shit… He frowned, frustratedly glaring at the wall.  _ No, today is going to be FINE. I’m going to go to class like every morning. I’ll joke around with James, flirt with some people, and it will be good.  _

He stayed in the shower for another several minutes, simply because he felt like he didn’t have the energy to leave. When he finally gathered himself, he wasted more time while drying off. By the time he’d finally made it back to the boy's dorm room to put his dirty nightclothes in a basket by his bed, the other boys were up. One look at Remus told Sirius he hadn’t slept well either. They exchanged a mutual look of ‘ _ You too, huh?’ _ , before Remus broke eye contact to pull his sweater over his shirt. Remus had a tendency to only be semi-functional in the morning and preferred not to speak until after breakfast. 

Sirius walked over to his nightstand to grab his brush, reaching out and freezing when his hand closed around nothing.  _ It’s not here…  _ He glanced around the room and saw Remus holding it up in one hand while smiling slightly.  _ Ah, there it is _ . Sirius sat cross-legged on the floor in front of Remus while James threw himself on Remus’ bed. Remus brushed out Sirius’ hair, occasionally using his fingers to untangle knots the brush wouldn’t pull through easily. 

“You guys look absolutely awful. I keep forgetting you’re grouchy in the mornings.” James turned to lay on his back, watching Remus’ expression pass through 3 or 4 emotions before settling on mild dissatisfaction. Most people probably wouldn’t have noticed but, well, James had been his friend for 4 years and picked up on some things. Sirius knocked on the top of James’ head, grabbing his attention. 

“Well, you see, James, when two people-” Sirius had a grin on his face before Remus cut him off. 

“Late night, little sleep, you’re a baby,” Remus spoke in a quiet mumble, probably still half asleep. 

“Yeah, you’re one to talk James. If you don’t get your beauty sleep you’re grumpy all day! At least Remus turns functional after 3 gallons of coffee.” Sirius grinned as he spoke, though it was partially to cover up concern. He knew Remus hadn’t gotten to sleep until the small hours of the morning.  _ I wish I could add more hours to the night, or knock him out. He might actually get some decent sleep if we drugged him…  _

Remus poked the hairbrush over Sirius’ shoulder, catching Sirius’ eye and pulling him out of his train of thought.

“Here.” It came out barely audible as Sirius moved out of the way so that Remus could pull on his shoes. “Breakfast… Coffee… Tired… “ Remus shoved his hands in his pockets and started to trudge down the stairs. Sirius watched him leave, eyes trailing from his back to his muted and messy blond hair.  _ He’s frickin’ adorable when he’s tired… _

Sirius smiled slightly, then glanced to his side where James had been only a few moments before, though now there was only an empty spot on the bed. _Did he already go down to breakfast?_ _Or did he go to flirt with Evans?_

Sirius stood up, walking into the common room just in time to see Lily telling off James for being a bother this early in the morning. 

Sirius felt himself smile when he saw James trying to look sincere while staring at Lily with doe eyes. For some reason, James seemed to think it was hot when she was angry, though Sirius didn’t really understand it. He turned, continuing towards the Great Hall for breakfast, climbing out of the porthole and meandering down the hallway towards their normal spot for breakfast. Remus had all but claimed the spot as solely theirs. Even though he was so tired and usually the last one awake, he was also the first person to breakfast every day. Well, almost every day. Sirius glanced at the portraits on the wall, letting his thoughts drift. He knew Peter probably wouldn’t be there until the last 10 minutes, considering he wouldn’t be waking up for another 30 minutes at least. Sirius felt the smile melt from his face while looking at the portraits on the wall, a kind of quiet resignation worming its way into his brain.  _ These wizards have all done great things. Only half of them have gone to Hogwarts but all of them have made some kind of great achievement… I’ll never make it on this wall… or into someone else’s wall, I won’t be on my own wall in my room by the time I’m old enough to move away…  _

His body stiffened for a moment.  _ I won’t be on my own wall…  _ Since when did he want to be on his own bloody family tree? Since when did he want to be part of his own piece-of-crap family in his whole life? He turned, walking the rest of the way to the Great Hall. 

_ Of course, you want to be on your own wall, with the rest of your family. You’re just like them. Manipulative, hurtful, abusive. You’re so full of yourself you’re constantly playing the victim because nothing is ever your fault. How many other kids in this hall do you think have parents like yours? Probably all of them. They don’t have the kind of money your family does, they don’t have your kind of house, your parents' jobs, your siblings, the noble life. You’ve got it so much better than them and yet you think you have it bad? What kind of pathetic kid are you?  _

Sirius’ nails bit into his palms as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He knew the voice was right, but what could he do about it now? He’d already told Remus 2 years ago. His skin crawled at his own deceptions. _I made Remus worry about me. I whined to him about my problems even though he has worse problems than any of us. Especially me._ His thoughts turned and tumbled through his mind until they seemed to fade out. Like turning translucent. He watched the doors to the Great Hall pass overhead while his head grew lighter and his emotions turned into a little ball of chalk in his chest, compressed and hard and out of the way. He sat down at the table, sending a smile to Remus out of habit. _Remus will worry…_ He didn’t talk most of breakfast, though he wasn’t incoherent. He frowned slightly when breakfast was over. _I thought… I just sat down to eat. My food is gone… I guess I ate…_ Sirius stood up, watching his plate disappear before walking to his first class of the day, his satchel slung over his shoulder. _I hope I can pay attention…_

Almost an hour later he was finally able to start paying attention to his class, jotting down messy notes while flipping to a page in his Potions book. Sometimes he'd get spacey like he had earlier today, which was a pain because he had trouble focusing when he did that, and then he'd have to catch up on notes… which inevitably meant extra work. A mental groan pushed into his thoughts, along with yet another round of awful thoughts.  _ Why won’t you just shut up for a while, huh? It’s not like I’m a COMPLETE failure. I have decent grades, at least. It’s hard to focus with all the noise in my head. _ He quietly growled at his papers, frustrated at his own lack of attention.  _ Maybe I’ll just live under a bridge and join a troll. Or I’ll live as a stray dog. At least then I won’t take up unnecessary space. At least- _ His thoughts were interrupted by Remus touching his arm. Little bits of electricity raced around where Remus touched the fabric of Sirius’ shirt as he shifted his gaze from the parchment to Remus’ perfect face. 

“Are you okay?” Remus spoke quietly, mostly mouthing the words. His touch on Sirius’ arm lightened like he was about to pull away. Sirius nodded, then shot him a winning grin. 

“Ooh, Remus. It’s so nice to know you worry about me, but I’m fine.” Sirius purposefully made it sound flirty, letting his eyes close a little while pushing a small smirk. Remus arched an eyebrow at Sirius in what seemed to be suspicion or maybe just irritation. Sirius watched Remus for only a moment but felt his smirk turn into a smile, turning back to his work. “Really, I’m okay. Thank you for asking, though.” As he turned back to his work, his mind felt clearer, though he felt strangely cold once Remus retracted his hand, returning to his work. As Sirius continued taking notes and working, he felt more at peace with Remus there. He knew that Remus cared, and he knew Remus would be there if he ever needed him. 

The thoughts didn’t entirely go away for the day but it got easier to ignore them, or at least make them quieter. Most of the day passed tediously slow, except the few times he got spacey again, as opposed to the first class that had passed almost in the blink of an eye. Sirius couldn’t even remember concretely if he’d actually gone to those classes, though he was sure he had because he had a nonsense compilation of notes from all the classes combined into an incomprehensible document. It wasn’t until after dinner that he realized how tired he was. He’d spent all day either on the run between classes that were on opposite ends of the castle or trying to be coherent in class while spacing out. As he started walking back to Gryffindor Tower, James smacked the back of his head as he ran past Sirius. Snapped out of his stupor, Sirius glared at him while smiling. 

“You DIDN’T.” Sirius felt his smile grow wider before Remus stepped up next to him and took his bag. After a brief smile of thanks to Remus, Sirius took off after James, chasing him down the hall and dodging around people. 

“Get him back for me, Sirius!” Peter called out to Sirius, cupping his hands so Sirius would hear him. Remus smiled slightly, glancing over at Peter for a moment. 

“They are pretty ridiculous.” Remus shifted Sirius’ bag higher on his shoulder as he spoke. Peter let Remus have the moment before hesitantly opening his mouth to speak. 

“Hey, Remus?” Peter glanced up, raising his head quite a bit to see Remus’ face, which was almost an entire head taller. “How far away until the next visit to the shack?” Remus’ face lost the smile. Their group had started referring to full-moons as ‘visits to the shack’ in an effort to normalize their conversations about it without letting everyone in a general vicinity know about Remus’ condition. Remus let out a quiet sigh, seeming to sag slightly. 

“It’s two weeks away. Supposed to be on Wednesday. Though I don’t know if that’s 100% accurate.” Remus glanced out the window momentarily to look out the window onto the Hogwarts grounds. He saw the Whomping Willow in the corner of the visible grounds through the window. Remus could only stand to look at it for a moment before returning his gaze to the floor inside the castle. Peter nodded beside him, then turned down the hall towards the Gryffindor Tower. 

“I have some chocolate from the house-elves. If you want some? I’d be happy to share, it’s honestly too much for me.” Remus smiled as Peter spoke. He was very sweet, and could usually see when someone needed something and acted on it frequently. That in its own right was very brave. Remus knew more people than he chose to count that rarely acted when they saw someone in any kind of pain. 

“That would be wonderful, Peter. Thank you.” 

By the time Remus and Peter made it up to the tower, James was sitting on the common room couch talking to some younger students about the quickest routes between different classes, and Sirius was nowhere to be found in the common room.  _ He’s likely laying in bed, he seemed very tired earlier today… though he also seemed upset. I wonder what’s bothering him?  _ Peter pulled a bar of chocolate out of his bag, handing it to Remus, smiling. 

“Let me know if you want any more, I think I’ve got two more bars.” Peter sat down on the couch a moment later. 

“Thank you, Peter. I think I’ll go to bed, though. Today has been rather tiring.” Remus gave a short wave to Peter and James, returning Peter’s smile. He unwrapped part of the chocolate bar and began to eat it as he walked up the stairs to the boy’s dormitory, trying to think of what could be bothering Sirius.  _ Maybe someone said something about his parents? Or someone may have said something unkind about Peter or me? In all honesty, it could have been anything, I shouldn’t be worrying too much _ . Remus’ thoughts stopped when he saw Sirius draped over his bed. He hadn’t even bothered to get under the covers, hair a mess all over his pillow, sprawled on the bed with one hand under the pillow.  _ God, he’s gorgeous… _ Remus broke from his stupor, holding the chocolate bar in his mouth, then set his bags by his bed before walking over to Sirius, pulling back his covers and spreading them over the sleeping boy. Remus sat down on the edge of his own bed and watched Sirius for a moment, wondering what had exhausted him so thoroughly. It only took him a few bites to finish the chocolate bar. He pulled out a book as he took the last bite and felt a little disappointed that it had disappeared so quickly.

He shifted back on his bed until his back was propped up against the wall, opening the book he’d been reading to the bookmark. It was a muggle book he’d borrowed from his mother, and he enjoyed the story very much. It was about a simple, calm hobbit that got pulled into an adventure he wasn’t entirely ready for, Remus related to the character a little with all of the insanity James and Sirius pulled him into. The character was relatively soft-spoken, though not to be spoken over, and very protective. Remus smiled as he curled up, enjoying a quiet evening of reading  _ The Hobbit  _ and the listening to the sound of rain.

_  
  
  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus' senses heighten a full 4 days before the full moon, overloading him with sensory information he doesn't want or feel like he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there guys, gals, and non-binary pals. This chapter has some Sensory Overload and some Dissociation in it. I don't think there's anything else but let me know if you see something that you think should have a warning on it. Stay safe. 
> 
> I want to apologize for being a week late. I probably should have posted or at least sent out an update to let everyone know I'd be late.   
> One last thing, all of the descriptions of symptoms (Sensory overload, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, general flashbacks, episodes, etc) are based of personal experience and research. That being said, many symptoms for many mental illnesses and emotional stress are different for everyone, so if you don't feel a description is accurate or true, please let me know and I will either explain myself or correct it.

The weeks passed slowly, though not slow enough for Remus. Days passed where Sirius would hide pained expressions behind smiles and push his feelings behind jokes, other days Sirius appeared to actually be doing okay. Feelings of unease at Sirius’ mental state ran in circles within Remus’ mind while screaming at each other about which one of them might be correct. Remus had an easy enough time telling when something was off about Sirius, that came with practice (which he, unfortunately, had a lot of), but being able to discern  _ why  _ was a whole other issue. There was very little Remus could do to reason out why Sirius would be upset on a specific occasion because of the simple abundance of chances and circumstances that worked together to beat him down. There were a lot of words that could describe Sirius (most notably rambunctious and quick-tempered) but no one could call him weak. Not only was it untrue by his most fundamental traits, but Remus would also beat anyone who tried to say so. 

_ No doubt he would say I’m incorrect. Convincing him that he has value will definitely take a long time…  _

Remus stared up at the ceiling while contemplating how to best help Sirius. He’d initially woken up from the rain outside, and now that he’d woken up, he couldn’t get back to sleep with the sounds of his friends quietly breathing and shifting around. Under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t have annoyed him so much, but today it sounded like they were breathing next to his face from two beds over. Covering his head in pillows didn’t help, if he tried to hum was worse, and there were few other noises aside from the rain outside that could drown out the incessant whistle every time Peter inhaled.

Remus stared at the ceiling, resigned to a day of hell.  _ It’s not even down to two days before the full moon, I still have at least 4 days until then. Why am I already hypersensitive?  _ Remus whined to himself, mentally complaining about how intense his senses had already become while his body prepared for the full moon. 

His thoughts halted as he heard James breathing change and the sheets shift. After a moment, Remus looked over to James, propping himself up on an arm. James let out a booming yawn and Remus flinched away.  _ Ow…  _ James turned his head towards Remus, then sat up with pajamas scraping against the sheets again. 

“Morning Rem-” James spoke at almost full volume, crashing in Remus’ ears as Remus flinched. James stopped talking as soon as he saw Remus almost move to cover his ears. His voice immediately dropped to a quiet almost mutter. “Morning Remus, how are you feeling.” Remus silently thanked him, able to hear without much more discomfort than what was normal. 

“I’m alright James,” Remus offered a small smile and moved to sit cross-legged on his bed. “It’s just loud in here.” 

James looked at Remus apologetically, then started getting dressed for the day. By 7 everyone in their dorm room was up and ready or in the process. Remus stepped out as soon as he could, right behind James. Sirius was still getting ready, but made time to give Remus a thumbs up and a smile on his way out. James was kind and led the way to the Great Hall, breaking the crowd for Remus to walk behind him with minimal physical contact from the other students. As they neared the Great Hall, Remus could hear the hoards of students inside, their voices banded together like a waterfall roaring. The closer they got to the Great Hall, the more convinced Sirius became that he wouldn’t be able to do anything once in there, assuming he could get in there at all. Once he stepped into the room, the sound seemed to double, coming from all sides. Combine that with the sight of everyone moving around, grabbing food, and knocking into their friends… It made him want to crawl to the nearest cave and stay there for a few decades. It was just so **_loud._** Remus forced himself to stare at James’ back as he moved through students and found their seats. Remus followed close behind, grateful that James didn’t get too far ahead while moving through the hoard. He didn’t say anything nearly all of breakfast. Sirius and Peter had joined a few minutes after James and Remus had sat down, talking quieter than they normally did. Remus could tell they were making an effort, and he appreciated it, but he couldn’t focus on anything they were saying over the roar of all the other students. 

Remus kept his eyes on his plate, slowly eating oatmeal while trying to tune out the students like white noise but the sounds they made were too varied, and too unstable for him to tune out. He couldn’t think with all this noise. He might be lucky enough to form half a thought before his brain whipped his attention around to someone talking or to movement caught in the peripheral of his vision. He couldn’t focus long enough for even a single thought to finish. Remus quickly grew frustrated, trying to consider his tasks for the day but unable to even start.  _ I’ve got to turn in- What word did she just- Why is it so Loud I can’t- did he say fork or- What did they just shove in their robes-  _

Remus didn’t realize he was curling in on himself until Sirius gently laid down a hand where he could see on the table. Remus stared at Sirius’ hand as he grew aware that he was hunched over the table with his hands balled into fists on his pants. 

“Remus,” James spoke loud enough to be heard, but not too loud, luckily. Remus was so on edge he might hit someone if they startled him. “Can we take you to the library?” Remus looked up just enough to see James robes and shirt, not wanting to uncurl enough to meet his eyes. After almost a minute he replied. 

“Yeah. That’d be… good.” Remus followed James from his side of the table, Sirius and Peter mirrored them on the other side, merging with them at the end of the table near the door. Sirius stood behind Remus, and Peter stood on his side. James led from slightly to Remus’ right, slightly ahead. The halls were much quieter than the Great Hall, but they still weren’t quiet. As they entered the library, Sirius made sure to open and close the door quietly. Once they all sat down, Remus was able to calm down, lowering his head to the table and closing his eyes. He sat there for a long time, feeling his heartbeat in his neck and chest, forcefully breathing slower..  _ I didn’t even realize I’d started to hyperventilate until I was able to start calming down…  _

“Remus, are you doing any better?” Sirius was careful to speak quietly, though his voice was rough, almost like he’d been crying or screaming. Remus sat up, smiling tiredly at his friends. 

“Yeah, I’m doing better. Today is going to be a long day though… “ Remus looked to Sirius, Peter, and James individually. His eyes lingered on Sirius a little bit longer, noticing the tightness in his smile and the way his eyes looked tired.  _ He doesn’t look so good…  _

“It’s still 4 days away, if you’re feeling this bad now then maybe you shouldn’t go to class tomorrow.” Sirius gave a worried expression, eyebrows scrunching upwards on his face. He was right, Remus probably shouldn’t go to class for the next few days, but that would mean he had to catch up, and class usually wasn’t so bad. Most people were quiet.  _ I might just avoid the classes I know will be too much…  _ His mind immediately went to potions class with all those mixing smells and all the headaches. 

“That… might be a good idea. But we’ll see how I’m feeling tomorrow. This might just be because I didn’t sleep well last night.” Remus offered up his alternate cause, hoping to take some of their worry away. No one really understood much about werewolves or how the cycles work other than that the cycles exist, so everything was all speculation. But that said, Remus knew this was abnormal for him, and that meant something had changed. That change could easily be his stress levels, it could also be attributed to sleep deprivation, or dreams, or some kind of sickness. Unfortunately, similar to knowledge on the cycles, this was all speculation to him. Remus glanced between his friends, trying to figure out what each was feeling. It was easy to see that Sirius wasn’t doing well, but how exactly and why was a mystery to him. James had all of his attention on Remus, trying to figure out if he was lying about being okay, no doubt. James was pretty good at telling when his friends were lying (and it was quite frustrating when trying to plan something for him. But that was beside the point.) 

When Remus moved his eyes to look at Peter, he saw the shorter friend sitting up straight with his eyes locked on Remus, studying him the same way he was studying Peter. They exchanged momentary glances before breaking eye contact, there was really no point trying to find what someone was feeling while they were so intently focussed on you (little else but concentration tends to show on their face.) 

“Thank you for taking me out of the Great Hall, guys. I… Thanks.” Remus ran a hand through his hair for a moment, sweeping it a little to the side and out of his face. “I think I’ll stay here a little while, once I feel like leaving I might go to class. I might just go to the dorms.” He glanced at the clock, silently hoping for a reason to be alone. The universe took mercy on him. “You guys should go, class starts in a little under 5 minutes.” 

Both James and Peter looked over to the clock, eyes widening when they saw the time. Sirius’ gaze lingered on Remus for a few moments longer before grabbing his bags. James, Peter, and Sirius all quietly told Remus to let them know if he needed them before exiting the library. Remus sat in the quiet of the library, finally able to breathe easily with no one close enough to him for him to hear their breathing. The sight of the peeling paint over a bookcase unfocussed and focussed again every so often as he drifted in thought. The extra look from Sirius didn’t go unnoticed by Remus, but he also tried not to linger too much on it. Sirius’ gaze could pierce you to the core if you hadn’t built a tolerance to it, and even with being as used to it as Remus was, he was still a little shaken by the intensity of it. It’d felt like those eyes were boring into him, searching for every possible discomfort or change in demeanor.  _ God those eyes…  _

He spent nearly an hour contemplating Sirius’ eyes in the library before he was startled out of an almost-trance by a book clapping onto the floor. Remus nearly jumped out of his chair at the sudden loud noise, knocking over another book from the table. He quickly picked up the book, grimacing at the way his clothes shifted, before quickly walking out of the library and towards the Gryffindor Common Room.  _ Maybe I can try to sleep now that it should be empty. At least then I won’t be so grumpy when they get back.  _ He turned and climbed through the porthole after muttering the password, trudged up the stairs to the boys dormitory, and gently laid down on top of his neatly made covers. 

His thoughts tended to swim when he was alone, especially if he was stressed, but right now all he could think of was Sirius’ eyes. A scowl appeared on his face at the realization.  _ I’m not a bloody romance novel…  _ And in truth, it wasn’t all that similar to the cliche. Yes, he was thinking about Sirius’ eyes, but he wasn’t pondering on the “mysterious deepness” or fawning over how one might consider them “dark swirling pools” (in fact, the idea that someone might consider Sirius’ eyes that way was faintly amusing) but rather the simple warmth in them. They were comforting because they were Sirius’, not because of the millions of different shades of brown that came out in good lighting or because they were truthfully gorgeous (though that didn’t hurt). Remus’ scowl turned to a faint smile as he turned on his side, eyes closing. 

His last thought before sleep took him was a faint notion that he wanted those eyes, Sirius’ eyes, to look at him and be filled with more warmth and happiness. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets really uncomfortable because his heightened senses cause discomfort and sometimes pain. Sirius keeps his problems to himself and doesn't talk about things because repression, and Peter is a sweetheart.
> 
> Side Note: In this fic I write a lot of Peter being a good friend throughout their marauder years. Part of this is because I don't think that Sirius, James, and Remus are the kind of people to take on pity friends, and also they need someone who is emotionally mature enough to understand other people's coping mechanisms and James, Sirius, and Remus aren't emotionally mature enough to understand that yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking 4 weeks to write the next chapter. I had the first 4 pages done but didn't have the plot for this chapter finished, and procrastinated finishing it bc, hey, if I don't finish it then I can't be disappointed in it. :) Anyway, I apologize profusely and will try to get my act together. Thank You for being so patient with me. 
> 
> I don't think this chapter has any warnings. But it's kinda angsty, just a bit. Let me know if you guys see anything I need to put in a warning about. Stay Safe, Stay Healthy. :)

Remus felt his consciousness return to his mind after what felt like maybe an hour after he fell asleep the first time, peacefully numb for all of 30 seconds before his hips and side grew uncomfortable on the mattress. The corners of his mouth turned down while his eyes bore through the fuzzy looking window.  _ I’m not moving… I can just go back to sleep and it’ll be fine.  _ His glare persisted, growing in intensity along with the discomfort in his body from laying in one position for too long. Tiny needles started to run through his calves to the small of his back as he continued to lay without moving. 

He only lasted a few more seconds before shifting to lay on his back, groaning quietly. It only took a short while before that became similarly uncomfortable and he shifted onto his opposite side. Then a short while later onto his stomach. He lifted a leg to change the angle of his spine, shoved a hand under his pillow, then flipped onto his back and lay spread eagle. Nothing seemed to relieve the eventual growing discomfort in his body as he continued to lay down.  _ Oh HOW is this fair? I couldn’t have been asleep for more than an hour.  _ Sitting up with a jerk, joints bent aggressively, he turned to the clock on the wall, squinting through sleepy eyes to make out the time.  _ It’s… 4 already? _

After a moment of shock, he wiped his eyes and slid his legs off the side of the bed. His feet didn’t touch the ground for more than a moment before pulling back. He grimaced at the feeling of discomfort in his feet, almost like walking over gravel or sand.  _ Maybe I could snag some food from the kitchen instead of going to dinner in the Great Hall…  _ The kitchens would be loud, but no louder than the hallways, and definitely not louder than the Great Hall. Plus, all the students would still be in class if he left now.The food in there was always better too, though Remus couldn’t figure out why. It was a little bit like drinking milk from the jug. It’s just… better. 

He slipped on his socks, then shoved his feet in his shoes before walking down, through the common room, and peeking his head into the hallway. It was empty, though not entirely silent. He sniffed quietly, grimacing a little bit at the smell of teenagers that perpetually lingered. After a moment, he stepped out, closing the door to Gryffindor Tower behind him as quietly as possible. 

“Remus, Dear. Where are you going?” His entire body went stiff a moment at the sound. Electricity zapped through his brain before he turned around, mentally smacking himself for forgetting about the lady in the portrait. 

“Mrs. Elizabeth. I’m sorry, I had forgotten you were there. I’m… going to the lake. For a walk. It tends to be quiet out there, and there’s usually a nice wind going.” Remus turned his body to face her, forcefully relaxing his shoulders and putting his hands in his pockets. 

“Well don’t forget about dinner, dear. You’re so nice to me, I’d hate for you to not take care of yourself.” She offered a large smile, sitting further back in her portraits chair. “If I were more than a portrait you’d be eating in my dining hall every day! Everything you can eat too. Though you probably don’t eat as much as me you’d be free to as much as you like. Oh I wish I could show you what goodies they used to make back when I was painted.” 

Remus smiled at her, easing a little bit at her reminiscing. Most people ignored the portraits and they got bitter, but the majority of the portraits and paintings were nice enough if you would just talk to them. He glanced down the hallway, wondering if he could spare a little time. 

“That sounds wonderful, Mrs. Elizabeth. I wish I could taste them, it sounds like you’re fond of them. I should get going, though. I’ve got a small headache and don’t want to be in the halls when class is released. I will see you later, when I come back?” He politely stepped back, trying to make his intention to leave clear as he turned one foot to start walking once she gave the go ahead. She offered a smile and waved him off, turning back to her bowl of fruit. He walked quickly, speed walking down the halls to try and get to the kitchens before class was released. It didn’t take long to get there, but if he was trapped in a hallway with hundreds of shouting students while his ears were determined to murder him it may take longer than he wanted. He turned left after the Witch statue and continued to the fruit painting. He reached out to repeatedly poke the pear. 

The portrait moved aside, giggling, and he walked through the porthole into the kitchen, grimacing at the clattering dishes and house elves running everywhere. There was a long moment where he was quiet, eventually walking to a stool they kept in the corner to sit down. It took nearly 4 minutes for one of the elves to notice him but once she did she immediately scampered over. 

“Sir Remus. You don’t need to wait in the corner, sir, you could simply take what you need.” her voice squeaked over the sound of the kitchen, chirping out each word with near perfect pronunciation. Remus offered a tiny smile, noting how she looked fuller, better fed, than the last time he saw her. She’d always been small, but only a few months ago she’d been almost skin and bone. 

“It’s okay, I didn’t want to accidentally get under anyone's toes. Do you guys have a plate I could steal before actual dinner time. Something bland, maybe?” She nodded quickly at his words, scampering off to grab a plate of bread and cheese, or maybe it would be crackers and meat. Remus sat quietly, patiently waiting while letting his mind focus on a cross section of tile, trying to keep his mind busy so he didn’t have to register the noises of the kitchen. It took a moment, but he looked up when he heard her feet tapping against the tile floor to quickly get back to him, offering up a plate of rolls, cheese, and a cup of water. There was a small square of chocolate sitting in the corner far from the warm rolls so as to not melt. 

“Thank you.” compared to her high pitched chirping he sounded down right deep, though his voice had never been lower than a tenor. Baritone if he tried really hard. His lips turned up slightly at the sight of the chocolate square, carefully taking the plate and cup from her hands. 

“Sir Remus must take care of himself, yes? Eat well, Drink well, Sleep well, Sir Remus! We’ll be seeing you about the castle?” She jumped onto the stool and patted his head lightly before running off into the kitchen, continuing her work. He felt his smile widen and a little bit of warmth spread in his chest for a moment.  _ Maybe I should come down here more often… They’re nice, and she seemed like she’d be fun to listen to. Reminds me a little bit of Sirius when he gets protective.  _

Remus barely made it to the common room in time to avoid the dinner rush. He closed the door to the common room just as the students flooded the halls, rushing to their rooms to drop off school supplies before running to dinner. He rushed upstairs, silently praying he wouldn’t spill his water. It only took a few seconds to reach the top of the stairs, opening the door to the marauders section of the dormitory and slipping inside quietly, but it was possibly the most uncomfortable second of the day. 

Dinner passed peacefully, Remus even choked down a few bites of bread that tasted far too sweet. After only a few minutes of noise, everything quieted down to the quiet hum that the castle usually had. Remus found himself laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling with too little energy to even glare.  _ It’s not as though I’ve DONE anything today. Why am I so tired…  _ his thoughts drifted away from worded thought after that, only presenting vague concepts of annoyance and frustration. In Remus’ mind, there was no telling how long he’d been laying there. It could have been minutes or hours for how much he felt it while laying uncomfortably on the mattress and blankly watching the ceiling with eyes that felt too heavy and a head that felt too small for whatever was stuffed inside. It was only when he heard feet walking up the staircase to the marauders dormitory that he came back to the present, though he didn’t move. As the door opened, he muttered a quiet, 

“Hey.” To the other three. They all kept their voices down as they responded, careful of his hearing.  _ I have good friends… they put up with me.  _

“Hey Remus, have you eaten yet?” James sat down at the foot of his bed, watching Remus with careful eyes. Remus shook his head minutely, sitting up to look at James while he spoke. 

“I’ve eaten a little bit… But honestly, anything I eat might make me throw up right now… everything tastes sickening right now.” His voice came out a quiet groan as he laid back down on his bed. Sirius frowned as he looked to the plate on Remus’ nightstand with a nibbled on piece of bread, untouched cheese, and barely touched chocolate. James and Sirius exchanged a momentary glance. James opened his mouth to speak before Peter sat down in Remus’ vision, offering a smile. 

“Will you drink some water then? At the very least fill your stomach so that it doesn’t hurt while you don’t eat? You know how James and Sirius get when they worry about you.” Peter offered over the glass of water and waited for Remus to take it. James shut his mouth without saying anything. Peter glanced at him, then made a small shooing motion. It took a moment for James to register that Peter wanted him to leave. After a quick nod, he stood and moved over to Sirius on his bed, quietly speaking about their homework. Remus eyed the water for a moment, not particularly inclined to drink it other than the comment about James and Sirius worrying. He watched the glass for several seconds before taking it from Peters grasp, drinking it quickly so he didn’t have to taste it for as long. Because as much as people said water didn’t have a taste, it was a lie. It tasted. Gross. 

“Thank You.” Peter offered a small smile, taking the cup once it was drained. Remus only offered a nod, trying to return the smile Peter gave him. 

No one really spoke the rest of the night. Only the occasional small comment was made when Sirius or Peter wanted a question answered on their homework. Remus remained quiet for the majority of the night, only speaking when the others decided to try and sleep. It wasn’t long before Peter was snoring quietly in his bunk. James was an oddly quiet sleeper, considering how much he spoke during the day. Sirius’ breathing was calm and quiet from the bed next to Remus’. Unfortunately for Remus, he didn’t get any actual sleep. He faded into a half-awake state that didn’t serve to give him the rest he needed. His eyes remained closed as he lay on his mattress, one arm shoved under the pillow to keep his head at a slightly less uncomfortable angle. 

He couldn’t tell how long he’d been laying there, but he was woken from his half-asleep state when he heard rustling from Remus’ bed followed by quiet steps on the tile. It only took a moment for the door to open and close, the sound of Sirius’ breathing disappearing behind it. He didn't get up immediately, instead he took some time to gather his strength and slowly sat up. It took a little while to shift his legs off the side of his bed, and then a little while more to stand up. After taking one more moment to stretch out his back and legs, he began to pad over to the door, then down the steps to the common room. 

It wasn't exactly surprising to see Sirius sitting on the couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table while he stared into the fire with tired eyes. Remus knew Sirius heard him come down the stairs, knew he probably saw him in his peripheral vision, though he didn't say anything. Instead, Remus walked over to the small kitchenette kept in the corner and began to heat milk on a stove while sifting cocoa powder and powdered sugar into a bowl. No words were spoken while Remus made hot chocolate, letting it thicken to an almost syrup-like consistency before bringing over two mugs filled with the chocolate liquid heaven. Sirius took his mug quietly, taking a sip and grimacing at the bitterness. 

"Holy hell Remus, would it kill you to put some sugar in it?" He muttered. Remus laughed quietly, pushing the bowl of whipped cream towards him with a socked foot. They sat in silence for several more minutes after that, enjoying the quiet. Remus kept his eyes on Sirius, who studiously continued to look at the flames in the fireplace. He continued looking at his face, watching for any tell of what he might be thinking. His lips turned down at the corners, and his eyebrows pulled together just a little bit. Remus watched as he moved his legs from the coffee table to the couch, laid to his side. 

"Kept thinking about my parents." Sirius eventually shared. Remus watched him for a moment more, waiting to see if he wanted to say any more. A few moments later, he spoke again. "I… I don't want to go back there at the end of the year, Moony. I know it's selfish, Regulus needs me… but…" his voice broke over the last word, and that when Remus leaned forward to scoot over to him, laying on his side, letting his weight press against Sirius' side. He was a touchy person, and sometimes, physical touch helped him think. If that's what would help, that's what Remus would do. They sat like that in silence for a while. Sirius initially shifted to a more comfortable position, then settled into the couch. Sirius finished his hot chocolate quickly and wrapped his arms around Remus, uncaring if his own ribs dug into his side. 

"You know, Padfoot, I don't think it's selfish to want your pain to stop." Remus spoke quietly, and simply. He didn't need to say much more than that, and let the silence drag on. By the time Remus finished his mug of hot chocolate, sirius had fallen asleep with his head lolled back onto the couch, arms loose around Remus. He shifted, slowly crawling out of his hold to stand in front of Sirius and pick him up off the couch. Supporting his weight under his knees and back, Remus leaned back a tiny amount so Sirius' head could lay on his shoulder while he carried him up the steps, through the door, and laid him down on his bed. Once settled under the covers, Remus grabbed a heavy quilt from the closet and laid that on top of him as well, hopefully to provide a comforting weight. 

He took some fuel from the hearth to cool the room down a bit, hopefully Sirius wouldn't be uncomfortably hot tomorrow, and finally laid back down in bed, watching the moon and stars out a nearby window.  _ Only four days…  _


End file.
